Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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