I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
