peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
