I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
