she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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