Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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