why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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