i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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