Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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