WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
