Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
