I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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