oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
