Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
