exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
