now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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