The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
