What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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