so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Still dying that you shit outside
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
