Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
