Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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