Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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