I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
