I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
