i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
