The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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