I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
