Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
