Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
