Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
