You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize