You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
