A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
