I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
