theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
