He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
