Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
