We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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