its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
