You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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