The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
