i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
