People with herpes should wear stickers.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
