I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
