Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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