I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I love you.
Bad choice
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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