i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best revenge is premature balding
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
