My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
