Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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