I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
