The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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