He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
