i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
