Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
