Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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