my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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