Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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