I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
