Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
